Excerpted with the permission of the author from Leading with Questions pages 22-23
Another example of a leader who makes effective use of questions is Commander D. Michael Abrashoff. Through what he calls “Grassroots Leadership,” Commander Abrashoff turned around the operations of the USS Benfold, one of the U.S. Navy’s most modern warships. His methods were not complex, yet the results were astounding.
Under Abrashoff’s twenty-month command, the Benfold operated on 75 percent of its allocated budget, returning $1.4 million to the Navy coffers. The promotion rate of his people was two and a half times the Navy average. The predeployment training cycle, which usually takes a total of fifty-two days, was completed by the Benfold crew in just nineteen days.
A third of all recruits don’t make it through their first term of enlistment, and only 54 percent of sailors stay in the Navy after their second duty tour. Commander Abrashoff had 100 percent of the Benfold’s career sailors signing on for another tour. It is estimated that this retention alone saved the Navy $1.6 million in 1998 (Crowley, 2004).
What did he do to stage such a turnaround in less than twenty months? As he himself remarks, he continuously:
Asked questions
Listened
Then he acted on what he heard
Almost immediately upon taking command, he had a fifteen to twenty minute personal interview with each of his staff of three hundred.
He asked each person these three questions:
What do you like best about this ship?
What do you like least?
What would you change if you could?
Abrashoff acted as quickly as he could to implement the ideas that came from these questions. He realized that simply following existing procedures and doing things the way they had always been done could no longer be effective.
Abrashoff set the vision and trusted his crew. He helped people take pride in their work.
Whenever I didn’t get the results I was looking for on the Benfold, I tried to look inward before flying off the handle. I also asked myself three questions each time:
Did I clearly articulate the goals I was trying to achieve?
& 3. Did I give people the time and resources they needed to succeed?
Eighty percent of the time, I found that I was part of the problem and that, through my actions alone, I could have altered the outcome significantly.
Abrashoff questioned every rule. He noted that when an officer or sailor came to him for approval or a signature on something, his first questions was always, “Why do we do it this way?”
If the answer was, “Because this is the way it’s always been done,” I would say, “That is not good enough. Find out if there is a better way to do this.”
After a while, people began doing their homework before they ever brought issues to me. And they could explain, “This is why we do things this way.” Or, “We’ve thought of a better way to get this accomplished.” It drove my officers crazy, but by creating a culture in which we questioned everything, we were training our people to keep their eyes open to new ways of doing business [Abrashoff, 2002].
Now three questions for you:
A. When you you going to ask yourself:
Did I clearly articulate the goals I was trying to achieve?
& 3. Did I give people the time and resources they needed to succeed?
B. When are you gong to ask your staff:
What do you like best about working here?
What do you like least?
What would you change if you could?
C. What are you going to do with the answers you receive?
Michael J. Marquardt is the President, World Institute for Action Learning and a Professor at George Washington University. Mike is the author of 20 books and over 100 professional articles in the fields of leadership, learning, globalization and organizational change including Action Learning for Developing Leaders and Organizations and Leading with Questions.
One of the things every great performer does to improve performance, regardless of their field, is find their “WHY.”
Imagine if I told you about a hidden suitcase, across town, that was filled with 800,000 dollars and I told where it was located, and that you could have the cash if you were able to get to the suitcase in the next three hours… would you find a way to get there?
Would traffic stop you?
Would you care about the weather or less important things on your schedule or other people wondering why you were so determined to get across town?
Would you waste time and complain about the obstacles along the way, or just get past them in order to reach the suitcase and get what was inside?
Now, imagine I told you the suitcase was full of “Monopoly money” instead.
Would that suitcase be your only priority and motivate you to overcome obstacles?
You see, the difference between the two suitcases, and what is likely your very different levels of motivation when considering going after them, is the why. When the “WHY” is big enough or important enough, the “HOW” normally becomes much easier to figure out.
But if the “WHY” in your life is just “Monopoly money” – if it isn’t really something you are passionate about – you will come up with excuses or busy yourself with distractions and be far less motivated to overcome obstacles in your path.
Some people are motivated by money – but that only lasts so long… Carrot and stick reward systems are the least effective of all motivators.
Some people are motivated by excitement or fear… they are either so excited about where they are going, or afraid to stay where they have been, that it becomes a powerful “WHY.”
But the most powerful “WHY” you can identify is loyalty to a person or cause that you love.
When you are motivated to do something for others, you rarely let anything get in the way of achieving your goal.
What is your “WHY?”
If you haven’t asked and answered that question, you will always be at a performance disadvantage when you face competition who has answered it.
Chris Paul was raised in North Carolina, and his grandfather had a large hand in raising him.
The day after Chris Paul signed his scholarship to play at Wake Forest, his grandfather was murdered at 61 years old… outside the gas station where Chris had grown up working with him.
For the next game his high school team played, he vowed to honor his grandfather by scoring 61 points… one point for each year of his life.
He had never scored more than 39 in an entire game before.
But Chris Paul scored 24 in the second quarter alone. He had scored 59 with 2 minutes left in fourth quarter – and after driving to basket and making the layup, he was fouled.
He missed the free throw on purpose and left the game with the 61 points he had pledged to score for his grandfather. His team won the game.
So how did he score so many points?
He had a “WHY!”
If your “WHY” is big enough your “HOW” becomes easy.
When you get tired, or frustrated, or begin to doubt… it is your “WHY” that will give you the energy you need to keep going. Your “WHY” won’t let you give up.
Galatians 6:9 says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not lose heart.”
What is the “WHY” that will keep you focused and not allow you to lose heart?
Find your “WHY!”
As an experienced author, speaker, and team-building coach, Sean Glaze engages and influences audiences with a unique blend of dynamic content, interactive activities, and practical action steps. If you are interested in team development or need a team building speaker for an upcoming event, you can reach him at sean@greatresultsteambuilding.com.
Have you ever left a conversation thinking, “Boy, that was one-sided. The whole conversation was about him.” My wife calls that “a lack of conversational generosity”. We all hate it when others can’t stop talking about their own thoughts and ideas—but we’re blind to how often we do it ourselves. The coaching approach forces your conversations to become less about your thoughts, your input, and how you can steer the dialogue around to the answer you think will work. You start listening—really listening—to the other person. You decrease what you say, so that they can increase. And that’s where the magic happens: the more you listen, the more you see how capable they are, how much they can do with a little encouragement, and what a wonderful individual they are. The more you ask, the more you love. To help you with this I listed five of my top reasons to adopt coaching questions in your conversations.
1. All the Information is with the Coachee
Nobody knows more about you than you. Since all the memories of it are stored in your head, you are the resident expert on your life. So if we’re, say, trying to improve your relationship with a co-worker, you can call up years of memories of working with that person, list what you’ve tried so far or what’s worked with others in the past, describe the organizational culture at work, etc. As the coach, you don’t know any of that (until you ask). So the coachee always knows far more about the situation than you do.
2. Asking Creates Buy-In Coaching starts with the assumption that the key to change is not knowing what to do—its being motivated to do it. Research (and experience confirms) that people are more motivated to carry out their own ideas and solutions. What that means is that a less-optimal solution the coachee develops often produces better results than the “right” answer. Asking creates buy-in, and buy-in gets results.
3. Asking Empowers I’ve made an interesting discovery as a coach. People often ask for coaching for a major decision. Probably 80% of the time, we realize that they already know what to do: they just don’t have the confidence to step out and do it. Self-confidence is a huge factor in change. When you ask people’s opinion and take it seriously, you are sending a powerful message: “You have great ideas. I believe in you. You can do this.” Just asking can empower people to do things they couldn’t do on their own.
4. Asking Develops Leadership Capacity Leadership is the ability to take responsibility. A leader is someone who sees a problem, and says, “Hey—someone needs to do something about this! And I’m going to be that someone.” Simply asking, “What could you do about that?” moves people away from depending on you for answers, and toward taking leadership in the situation. Asking builds the responsibility muscle, and that develops leaders.
5. Asking Creates Authenticity
We all want to be known, and loved. There is no greater relational gift than to have someone see the real you and value you for it. The art of asking creates a bond between people, because simply by asking we honor and value them, and because taking the time to ask significant questions (and listen to the answers!) communicates that we really want to know them. The asking approach is the quickest way I know to build trust and transparency between people. And when we are talking about the things we really care about, we’re making changes that really transform us.
Tony Stoltzfus – Author, Leadership Coach, Master Coach Trainer
Special Note: In 2006 I was browsing in a (now closed) Borders Bookstore and came across Leading With Questions by Michael Marquardt. I only had to peruse a few pages before declaring to myself, “This is a Keeper!” This book changed forever how I lead! Recently I have had the privilege of interacting with Mike and he graciously agreed to do several guest blogs and has given me his “cart-blanch” permission to excerpt from Leading With Questions in future posts! Thank You Mike!
Guest Post by Michael Marquardt
Questions can elicit information, of course, but they can do much more. Great leaders use questions to encourage full participation and teamwork, to spur innovation and out-of-the box thinking, to empower others, to build relationships with customers, to solve problems, and to change culture. Questions wake people up. They prompt new ideas. They show people new places, new ways of doing things. They help us become more confident communicators. Most successful leaders use questions frequently.
There are two types of mindsets that may reside in the questioner: the learner and the judge.
In the learner mindset, the questioner seeks to be responsive to circumstances. Thus, she is more likely to think objectively and strategically. The learner mindset seeks and creates solutions, and relates to others in a win-win manner. Leaders with a learning mindset tend to be more optimistic and presuppose new possibilities, a hopeful future, and sufficient resources. They exude optimism, possibilities and hope. They are thoughtful, flexible and accepting. Their relationships operate in a collaborative and innovative mode. They encourage workers to be more flexible, more open to new possibilities, and less attached to their opinions and the need to be right. Such leaders seek to strengthen people’s ability to be conscious of their choices and responsible for their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and outcomes.
The judge mindset is reactive. It leads to over-emotional thinking and behavior. Leaders with the judging mindset tend to be more automatic and absolute in their actions; they emphasize negativity, pessimism, stress, and limited possibilities. The focus is more on problems than on solutions. Judging questions are inflexible and judgmental. For the judger, questions are more likely to be reactive to the situation, and thereby lead to automatic reactions, limitations, and negativity. Judging questions result in win-lose relating as they all too often operate in an “attack or defend” paradigm. Such questioners often deny self-responsibility and search for other people or circumstances for blame. Leaders with the judging mentality believe they know the answers already anyway,
Despite the evidence questioning is a critical competency of a leader, few leaders practice the art of asking questions for three main reasons:
Negative experience with asking or answering questions that has generated a fear and discomfort with inquiry
Lack of skills in asking or answering questions based upon lack of experience and opportunity, lack of training, and limited or no models
Cultures that discourage questions, especially those that challenge existing assumptions and policies.
Michael J. Marquardt is the President, World Institute for Action Learning and a Professor at George Washington University. Mike is the author of 20 books and over 100 professional articles in the fields of leadership, learning, globalization and organizational change including Action Learning for Developing Leaders and Organizations and Leading with Questions.
Our businesses are full of smart people, and we are supported by even smarter technology.
This has opened a world of possibilities for the organization. Real time on demand information that tells us everything that is going on with our business.
Real time sales, financials, analytics, and a world of other reports. Where you want it, when you want it.
These tools can all be great for business. However, the keyword here is “Can.”
From the time I was a child my father used to always tell me, “The numbers don’t lie.”
He was an entrepreneur. One that pulled himself up by the bootstraps and built a successful business out of sheer grit and determination. With little formal education beyond high school he became convinced the numbers were the story.
I’m pretty certain now that I’ve gained a bit more experience that much of what he said was correct. The numbers do not lie. In fact, they are the most completely accurate representation of what is going on in a business.
However, the fact that the numbers don’t lie, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are useful. The numbers that are spit out at us via ERP, CRM, EDI, and a vast array of other systems are the words that tell a story. This story requires deciphering via a word key that is generated by the organizations people. Every report, the balance sheet, the income statement, the revenue analysis; all of them tell a story, but how do we determine what that story is.
Here is where better businesses set themselves apart.
For business is not determined by the answers because we all have them right in front of us. Business is determined by the questions we ask.
With the right questions we are able to recognize trends, identify plans and strategies, create KPIs, and execute to our plan. The continuous flow of data to our inbox allows us to continue shaping our visions and determine what the next question should be. It is from those next questions that we continue to arrive at better outcomes. In short with the right questions we can control our circumstances.
However, if we ask the wrong questions, or perhaps worse yet no questions we become constrained by our situations. Moreover our circumstances begin to control us.
Take for example a three year revenue trend. Let’s say that the report shows sales rising by 5%.
For some companies they will look at that and assume that everything is good. Revenue is up, and life is grand.
Here is another way it could be looked at and I suggest this method as a way to begin asking the right questions.
Big Picture Question: Why is revenue up?
Second Level Questions: Is it related to new customers (Width), more business from current customers (Depth) , Did margin increase or decrease (Profitability), or was there one or two significant (perhaps beyond normal) large deals that created the higher revenue (One Time Deals)?
Third Level Questions: What trends can we identify (External, Internal Environment)? What if there are no giant deals next year (Risk Assessment)? What customers fell off (Opportunities)?
The depth of questions could go on and on, but with the “Right Questions” comes better business insight which propels an organization forward.
With this in mind, let’s talk a bit more about the example above…
If the answers to those questions showed that the business growth was related to one extremely large deal from a current customer that is highly unlikely of happening again. You may come to realize that your run rate business was actually down year over year and that you need to generate a plan to off set this. Further you may have realized that several large customers saw significant drop off in business and that they need some attention because they may have moved a portion of their business to someone else.
And with that lies the foundation of the story and the root of better business execution.
Everyday we are bombarded with data that can be used to help us run better organizations and drive more desirable outcomes. However, do not be fooled about the path.
The results do not lie within the data you are provided, but rather within the questions that this information drives.
Smart systems and smart people can give you all the tools you need. But only smart leaders know they must ask great questions.
So Dad, you were right when you said that the numbers don’t lie; however I hope you realize it was the questions you then asked that made you a success, and not just those numbers themselves.
Daniel Newman serves as the CEO of EOS, a quickly growing hosted IT service provider. Daniel is also VP of TMD connect, EOS’ parent organization. TMD is a national distributor for Cisco Systems. At TMD Daniel is responsible for the company’s strategy and business development activities.
You can follow Daniel’s blog at: www.millennialceo.com
Which of your friends would thank you for forwarding this post to them?
We often write about the subject of listening because it is the most common reason Major Gift Officer’s fail at their jobs.
First, active listening means asking questions. Questions are the best way to secure interaction and make sure you are disciplining yourself to listen. There are four types of questions you should use in your interaction with donors:
• Confirmation Questions – “So, NAME, what we have agreed to is X? Am I hearing you right on that?”
• New Information Questions – “There was one thing I was wondering about, NAME. I’m curious as to why you are so interested in X? Would you mind talking about that more with me?”
• Opinion Questions – “There is one thing I would like your opinion on, NAME. What do you think about X?”
• Commitment Questions – “Thanks so much, NAME, for your commitment to give X. So, as I understand it, you will be sending in Y on DATE and Z on DATE. Is that correct?”
1. Always ask for permission to ask questions. This shows respect for the donor, not only about the topic of the question, but as to how you are using his or her time. Here is what it sounds like: “Do you mind, NAME, if I ask you a question?”
2. Explain reasons for sensitive questions. Let’s say you want to uncover the interests of your donor. One way to do that is to find out what other organizations and causes she gives to. But just coming out and saying, “What other organizations do you give to”, may be too abrupt and seem intrusive. A better way is to say, “In order for me to get to know you better, NAME, I’d like to understand what your interests are. Would you mind sharing with me what other causes you give to so I can understand this better?”
3. Ask what benefits are desired in the donor’s giving. It is very important to understand what the donor wants to get out of the giving transaction. This is fundamental. If you don’t know this critical piece of information you will not be successful in building a good relationship with the donor. Here is a way to ask this question: “May I ask you a question, NAME? [Yes]. Well, one of the things I understand about giving is that there are reasons, often specific reasons, that people give. Sometimes those reasons are all about the cause the donor is giving to. Other times it is the cause and other personal reasons, like to memorialize a loved one or to make a statement about something that is important to the you. What is it that matters to you in your giving to our organization? And what do you want to get out of it?” Then you talk about all of that.
So questions are a very important way to foster listening. Ask a lot of questions. Start with broad topics, then narrow down to more specific ones. And always build current questions on previous responses, which means you are taking notes about the conversations you have had.
How will you know you are not listening well? Here are some clues:
1. You do all the talking.
2. You interrupt.
3. You avoid eye contact.
4. You put words in the donor’s mouth.
5. You cause the donor to become defensive by the way you speak to her.
6. You argue before the donor finishes his or her case, which means you are paying more attention to how you will respond than to what the donor is saying.
7. You digress with stories because you LOVE your stories and the sound of your voice.
8. You overdo feedback.
9. You make judgements.
Listening is also a state of the heart. If you really care about the donor you will listen well. If you don’t, and the whole thing is about the money, you won’t listen. Catch yourself not listening and you have caught yourself not caring. And that is a problem. Not caring in major gifts is one of the most damaging things that can happen in the life of a Major Gift Officer.
Make a decision to care and you will listen well
Richard Perry and Jeff Schreifels
Collectively, Richard and Jeff have over 55 years of fundraising experience. They have been working together for over 15 years and love what they do. That is why a few years ago they started a major gift agency called Veritus Group.
Would you like to check out their blog? www.veritusgroup.wordpress.com
Which of your friends would thank you for forwarding this post to them?
Excerpted with the permission of the authors from Chapter 13 of Power Questions:
“I threw him out of my office.”
“What?”
I’m with Fred, the chief executive of the North American operations of a multinational corporation. Fred was formerly the chief information officer (CIO) of one of the world’s largest banks. He’s had hundreds of salespeople call on him over the years.
“You name the company,” he tells me, “Goldman Sachs, IBM, Accenture, McKinsey, EDS, and then every bucket shop between here and the West coast as well. They’ve all tried to sell me something.”
Fred is smart and tough, and doesn’t tolerate fools. But I have a hard time picturing him throwing someone out of his office.
“You literally kicked him out? You’re kidding?”
“I’m not kidding,” says Fred. “He asked the question.”
“Which one?”
“What keeps you up at night?”
He continues, shaking his head: “You see, it’s a terrible question. Overused. Clichéd. Stale. And worst of all, lazy. I hate lazy salespeople. At a certain point it seemed that every salesperson, banker, and consultant was asking that question. They were like lemmings. They’d come and call on me and invariably ask, ‘What keeps you up at night?’”
“They thought that by posing that question I would—as if by magic—immediately volunteer to tell them all about my toughest issues. Then, they could say, ‘Ah, we have a solution to fix that.’ I started escorting them from my office.”
“And it doesn’t work that way with you?” I sheepishly ask.
“No, it doesn’t. Nor with anyone else. Look, let’s get some more coffee and I’ll explain why. I’ll tell you what the really smart ones do that is effective.”
Fred’s executive assistant brings us two more fresh cups. We move from his desk to a small sitting area with a couch, a coffee table, and an easy chair. We settle in.
I can’t believe my good fortune. I’m like a fourteen year-old again, listening to my cigar-smoking, Cognac-sipping uncle Morton discuss his philosophy of good living. But now, I’m going to school with the world’s best instructor on how to have a great first meeting with an executive prospect.
Sir Isaac Newton, referring to his extraordinary scientific breakthroughs, said, “I stood on the shoulders of giants.” I feel like Fred is lifting me onto his back, and I’m definitely going along for the ride. Big time.
“Here’s why,” Fred explains, “‘What keeps you up at night?’ is a terrible question. First, it’s a shot in the dark. It doesn’t demonstrate to the other person that you’ve done your homework, researched the organization, and thought about the issues they face. It’s a question that requires zero preparation. That’s why it’s evidence of laziness.”
I’m scribbling furiously.
“Second, if someone doesn’t already know you pretty well, they are probably not going to tell you what is really on their mind. Teasing that out requires that you first build some trust and credibility. Come on! Think about it. Am I going to immediately share my innermost cares and concerns with some salesperson I’ve never met before? Are you kidding?
“Third—and this is especially true if you’re talking to a CEO or a really senior executive—this is a ‘problem question.’ At my level, I’m focused on growth and innovation, not operational problems. I have operating executives who are paid to worry about those problems. Ultimately, executives like me are paid for growth and innovation. ‘What keeps you up at night?’ doesn’t actually help you get at the most fruitful issues.”
“So, what do the smart ones ask?”
“You have to approach a meeting with me as a balancing act. You must prepare. Read my annual report. Search the web. Read my speeches. Watch the videos of me being interviewed. Review analysts’ reports. Learn about my priorities and strategies before you walk in the door.
“But then—and this is really important—when you sit down in front of my desk, don’t presume to know what my real issues are. Be confident, but be humble. Probe and possibly suggest, but don’t walk in here and tell me what I’m concerned about.”
“The great salespeople ask indirect questions that show they know their stuff. They say things like, ‘Fred, how are you reacting to the merger of two of your biggest competitors? Or, ‘I was intrigued by what you said at the investors conference in New York last month. How is your push into Asian markets going to impact your financial controls and risk management requirements?’
“The other day, someone had carefully read our proxy statement, and she asked me some very intelligent questions about our executive compensation plan. She wanted to know why we had made certain choices. It was an engaging discussion. She kept gently probing, asking questions. She learned a lot about what is on my mind and about my talent management and retention strategies. We were satisfied with our existing provider, and had no intention of giving her any business. But she was so artful—I believe her firm will get a project from us.
“In other words, ask me questions that implicitly show you are knowledgeable and experienced. Talk about your view of my competition, and how you think the industry is evolving. Get me involved in that dialogue. Then, I’ll start to open up. Once that happens, you can be a little more direct.
“You might even say, ‘Given all that we’ve discussed—x, y, and z—where do you wish you were making faster progress? Which of these issues are proving to be the toughest nut to crack?”
We wrap up, and I’m beaming. In one hour I’ve just had a semester’s course in advanced salesmanship.
Other Questions that are Clichés:
“What has surprised you?”
This is a question people love to ask someone who has taken on a new job or been through a significant new experience. But there’s no good answer that is honest and positive at the same time. If you’re surprised about something, it implies you were naïve and didn’t know what you were getting yourself into! If you say nothing has surprised you, then you risk coming across as complacent or insensitive. Barry Glassner, the President of Lewis and Clark College, put it this way in the Wall Street Journal:
“If I had a thousand dollars for every time I’ve been asked that question—What has surprised you?—in the seven months I’ve been in my new position as a college president, I could buy a well-equipped Lexus. It’s the ultimate ‘gotcha’ question…every answer is perilous.”
Here are the questions I prefer to ask instead: “What have you been focusing on most during your first six months on the job?” or “Have you developed a longer-term agenda yet for your role?”
“What question haven’t I asked?”
A well-known marketing expert calls this his “killer” question for wrapping up a sales call. This question-about-a-question is a patently obvious attempt to make your prospective customer a coach to you in your sales process rather than an adversary. It’s a somewhat manipulative, cutesy attempt to say, “We’re really on the same side of the table here…give me some advice to be a more effective salesperson!” Like “What keeps you up at night,” it’s also overused.
There are many more like this. They fall into the same category as the “get them saying ‘yes’ three times before you ask” approach that you should shun.
Here are the questions I prefer to ask instead: “Are there any issues we haven’t discussed that you think are relevant to this particular challenge?” or, “Is there anyone else you think I should I talk to in order to get additional perspective on this issue?”
Great Excerpt, so:
What questions are you going to quit using?
What other questions do think need to be buried?
Would you like to know more about Power Questions? Here is a really well done video overview Power Questions by Andrew Sobel:
Authors of Power Questions:
Jerold Panas & Andrew Sobel
Jerold Panas is the world’s leading consultant in philanthropy and the CEO of Jerold Panas, Linzy & Partners, the largest consulting firm in the world for advising nonprofit organizations on fundraising. He can be reached at http://www.jeroldpanas.com
Andrew Sobel is the leading authority on building long-term client and other professional relationships. He can be reached at http://www.andrewsobel.com
Which of your friends would thank you for forwarding this post to them?
Would You Believe that the Story has Something to do With a “Question?”
In October 2003, after 24 years, I stepped away from my role with Josh McDowell. ( http://www.josh.org )
Immediately I began to wonder, what could I give Josh to express my appreciation for 24 years of partnership in ministry? I had absolutely no clue. The only thing I sensed was that it was probably not something I could pick up at the mall.
Four days later I was having breakfast with a good friend. As I recounted the events of the week, he asked me a question:
“Bob, you worked with Josh McDowell for 24 years – what did you learn from him?”
I immediately began to share things I had learned. After sharing five or six things, my friend asked, “Do you have these written down?” ”No,” was my response. He then asked, “Why not?” I immediately responded, “No one had ever asked me this question before!” He said, “Bob you need to write these down!” Then after a thoughtful pause he said, “And do you know what else? After you have made your list you need to share it with Josh – it will bless his heart!”
“BINGO!” That was it! I instantly knew that this was the gift I wanted to give Josh!
Over the next two months I added daily to my list. My goal was to create a little booklet that I could have printed at Kinko’s with copies for Josh, his wife Dottie, their four children and our four children – all to be under their and our Christmas trees on December 25, 2003. By December 19 my list numbered 62 things and it was time to head to Kinko’s if I wanted it done for Christmas morning.
About noon on Christmas Day, 2003 I got a phone call from Josh, “Bob I don’t know where you came up with this idea, but this is the greatest gift I have ever received!” He then put Dottie on the phone who said, “Bob Tiede I am mad at you!” I said, “Dottie it’s Christmas–You shouldn’t be mad at anyone on Christmas!” She said, “And you shouldn’t have to cry on Christmas Day either – but for the past half hour my eyes have been filled with tears as I have read ‘Sixty-Two Things.’ Bob this is an incredible gift! Thank you so much!”
Later, as I reflected on this experience, I realized that while I had given a gift, I had also received a great gift in return – the gift of “Ending Well!”
How many times have you walked away from a work relationship and said to yourself, “That just didn’t end as well as I would have liked,” but you had no idea on exactly what you could have done to “end well!”
Since that day in 2003,when my friend asked me that great question, every time someone shares that they are about to change jobs (voluntarily or involuntarily) I ask, “What did you learn from your supervisor?” After they share a few things, I ask, “Do you have these things written down? To date, “No!” has been everyone’s reply! I then encourage them to make their list and when they are finished to send it to their former supervisor – as a way to “End Well.”
Your list does not have to be “Sixty-Two Things!” It could be as short as two or three things that you learned from them that will serve you well for the rest of your life!
And it is never too late to send that gift! How many supervisors have you had to date? Can you imagine how they would feel if they received a short letter from you thanking them for the privilege of working with them and then sharing two or three things you learned that continue to serve you well today? How many letters like this do you think they have ever received?
One More Thought: ”The World is Small” and “Life is Long.” So many times when “20 somethings” leave their first job they might think “Good Riddance! I am glad I will never see those people again!” Two years later, they decide to make a move from their second job and as they walk into the interview room for what they hope will be their third job, guess who is sitting there? You are exactly right – their supervisor from their first job! Now what kind of difference do you think it would make if two years early they had sent that supervisor a note thanking them for two or three things they had learned from her/him? You are exactly right – an job offer is almost guaranteed!
You can download a free copy of “Sixty-Two Things I’ve Learned from Josh” at:http://thetiedes.cccministry.org/resources.php (You will also find 35 other Leadership Development Resources that are available for free download)
Which of your friends would thank you if you forwarded this post to them?
Leaders often find themselves in situations in which they coach others or they must get to the heart of very difficult situations so they can make better decisions. Their ability to ask questions and sometimes to help others clarity their own meaning are frequently key to their ability to function effectively. However, leaders often have not developed the skills required to ask productive questions.
Two recent conversations reminded me of the value and importance of questions.
A parent complained about one-word responses from his 14-year-old son. “How was school today?” …“Fine.”; “Do you have any homework?”… “No.”; “Where are you going?”… “Out.”
A coaching client explored how she could avoid some of the misunderstandings that occurred when she and a business partner discussed how to move their business forward. Each of them heard the same conversations, but each came away with different assumptions about what their conversations meant.
In these and many other situations, the questions one asks determine the responses. Three strategies help listeners and speakers understand situations more clearly. These strategies are clarifying, restating and summarizing.
Clarifying questions ask for more information. (Who is involved? What is the purpose? Why is this situation a concern? Can you tell me more about…? Why do you think this situation occurred? How did you react to her comments? How did others react?)
Restating is also called reflective listening. These questions repeat or reflect what the speaker said. A listener pauses after restating his understanding of previous comments to provide the original speaker an opportunity to reflect and clarify his meaning. (i.e. It sounds as if you were following company policy… The team seemed frustrated and angry… You were very confused about the situation… Your group proposed these options…)
Summarizing involves stating ones understanding of an event or situation once a speaker explains it. Summarizing allows the speaker to hear the listener’s perception and determine if the two perceptions agree. (i.e. After you met with the client you…. Then… ; You are concerned that he seemed… because… ; You have suggested the following options. Which seem most workable?)
After gaining a clear understanding of a situation, leaders often need to delve deeper and to explore different options or assumptions. This requires asking powerful or probing questions.
In normal conversation, many questions call for only “yes”, “no” or short factual answers requiring little thought. Short-answer questions include: Have you discussed this with your colleagues? Who is helping you with this? What approach do you plan to use?
Probing questions go beyond short answers; they require additional thought and consideration. They begin more often with how and why rather than who, what, where, and when. They are open-ended.
Probing questions challenge an individual’s or group’s thinking. They invite reflection and divergent thought. They can prompt a person or group to consider different options or points of view. They can also change the course of action.
Examples of probing or powerful questions are:
What assumptions are you making about his motivation? What if the opposite is true? What other assumptions can you consider?
What possibilities arise from this dilemma?
What options do you see? What other options are possible?
What do you fear? Why is this situation a concern for you?
How have you dealt with similar situations? Do you see a pattern?
How does this course of action serve you? What are possible negative ramifications?
What are possible roadblocks to your chosen course of action? How can you minimize them? How can you turn the roadblocks into stepping-stones?
As with clarifying, restating, and summarizing, asking powerful questions requires extensive practice and skill. As I observe the frustration my workshop participants express as they practice asking powerful questions, I understand that learning to ask questions that probe, explore and analyze a situation takes more than simple discussion about questioning techniques. Learning to ask powerful questions requires tremendous commitment and practice. It also demands genuine curiosity and concern.
However, asking powerful questions is an important skill that leaders (and parents) can develop. With practice, leaders can obtain tremendous results with individuals in their groups and organizations. As a parent and former high school principal, I recognize that with teenagers it may take a little longer.
What are the challenges you see to asking good questions? How do you overcome them? What other strategies do you use?
Dr. Lyn Boyer is a leadership coach, author and facilitator focusing on the emotional side of leadership—Affective Leadership℠. Her background as high school principal, coordinator of leadership development, and college professor provides a unique perspective. Her website is: http://www.lynboyer.net
Her book, Connect: Affective Leadership℠ for Effective Results, is available in Paperback and eBook in bookstores and online.
Which of your friends would thank you if you forwarded this post to them?
The introvert in me resists social settings filled with strangers I must talk to.
But that is a common component of my job: meeting, greeting, welcoming new people. Casual conversation at a reception or over dinner. Exactly the kind of interaction I don’t prefer.
But my goal is to make these people feel comfortable, to get to know them and introduce them to our ministry. To begin to build a relationship—with me and with our organization.
I’m a storyteller by nature, so I could entertain and inform them for some time. Some of that is appropriate and helpful, but then I don’t get to know them and they don’t feel valued.
So what do you talk about past weather and family? How do you pursue meaningful conversation?
The answer, of course, is to ask the right questions. I go into such gatherings with several in mind: Inquiries that draw them out, elicit more than yes or no answers, evoke authentic responses.
Here is my favorite question: How has God surprised you lately?
If they need a little more guidance, I might say: What has He taught you through some recent event—it can be negative or positive? What have you learned about God, or yourself, or your purpose as He has intersected your life?
I have been amazed at the stories I have heard: A struggle with a wayward child, the blessing of a rich relationship, a character flaw revealed and transformed, God’s willingness to use a weak vessel in powerful ministry, grace and strength through a debilitating illness, peace in the loss of a loved one….
This question has never failed to draw people into deeper revelation of their lives. And almost always they return the ask, and I can share a recent story of discovery or growth.
I have loved our time together, and the introvert in me has not been stressed. A relationship has begun—and has even occasionally led to friendship.
So, how has God surprised you lately?
Judy Douglass is a writer, speaker and encourager. She partners with her husband, Steve, to lead Campus Crusade for Christ International. A former magazine editor and author of five books, Judy travels the globe to love and encourage staff to believe God for the more He wants to do in and through them. She writes at Kindling (www.inkindle.wordpress.com) and tweets @Jeedoo417.
Which of your friends would thank you if you forwarded this post to them?
